BREAKING: I’m not sure if I am still drunk or just pre-hungover.

BREAKING: Apple Store to begin offering counseling for various issues like upgrade envy and separation anxiety during repairs.

BREAKING: Holy shit. I can drink…. A LOT MORE.

BREAKING: I think if I was still single, I take a Harry Potter book with me into the bar and just wait to get laid.

BREAKING: Amazing how someplace can be tolerable until your cell phone battery starts to die.

BREAKING: Terrible invention - The Re-Sealable Condom

BREAKING: Rick Perry counters Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 Plan with the 9-11-01 or the “Invade Ourselves Into Prosperity” plan.

BREAKING: Netflix says it has made a big mistake, says they want to turn back the clock. Now only offers VHS tapes.

BREAKING: Can someone please tell the Westboro Baptist Church the Steve Jobs’ funeral is being held in Compton at midnight. Wear blue.

BREAKING: Not sure if I should make the hotel room coffee or drink straight from the toilet.